"MY SINS MY OWN, THEY BELONG TO ME"

I had a rather bad health scare recently which involved ( shudder!) a biopsy of all wretched things....but everything is fine, very fine actually! I feel like taking everything out of the bank, quitting the job, selling the house and taking the husband and pooch on an extended vacation somewhere preferably in the South of France, but failing that we had a lovely celebratory dinner and toasted our good fortune. I hope everyones' summer was lovely and we all start the fall in good health!

Have a "libation" or three on me...but don't forget to leave the last of the wine for the gods!

...as usual when it comes to anything "technical" on LiveJournal I'm completely lost. I don't know why this is, at work if I have to a can dole out some serious mojo to the PCs and servers there. But here I feel like I did when we would try to program our VCR to record  back in the early '90s when we first got one- utterly pathetic! Though actually I have friends who could whip up their own hard drives out of bits of string and old bicycle parts who couldn't program their VCRs either. One time when I set it to record an episode of David Lynch's "Twin Peaks" I came home and somehow got a half hour of Julia Child stuffing a chicken on National Public Television instead. Very "Lynchian" in and of itself but not what I was going for at all.

The "better half" just got over, not completely either, Walking Pneumonia ( total misnomer by the way, believe me you're not "walking" anywhere with this, his temp peeked one day at 102) and now that my nursing stint is done I feel like I'm getting sick as well,,,which maybe accounts for my lack of tech prowess at the moment? I'll be generous to myself and say "yes"..

Since over at the community the last and very sad and very depressing chapters of The Persian Boy are under discussion I thought I would relay a little humorous "Renaultesque" anecdote from my own life:
 

  It was in the mid 1980s and I was working in one of Bostons' poshest book stores on one of Bostons' poshest streets. I was currently in one of my frequent "hey lets reread MRs' "Alexander Trilogy" for the umpteenth time and annoy customers and co-workers with comments about books that they haven't read and hey, after I talk their ears off about them, probably never will" jags. So I was mid-TPB and my head was full of Alexander, Hephaistion and gods! don't I just find him annoying, Bagoas. Now this was a very elegant, independent bookstore, so put any thoughts of Barnes & Noble or Borders right out of your head. All of us, the staff. could pretty much tell you where almost any book in the store was without looking it up and we all had our own personal favorite customers who we would have long, long bookish conversations with. There was none of this "gee, I'm in a big book supermarket" kind of ambience going on here. And remember this was probably about 1983 so technology really hadn't cut a swath through either business or personal life yet. We were still having the " oh this will never catch on" response to computers. Computer books occupied one lone little bottom shelf at the back of the store under a hand printed sign that read " Technology". The store itself wasn't on any kind of techno system either, instead we had every title  hand written on index cards housed in these beautiful stand up wooden card catalogs.

  So into this literary Nirvana walks a hapless MIT ( Massachusetts Institute of Technology) student. He, of course, comes right up to me and asks very politly " Do we carry any books on Unix?".  Since I have no idea that Unix is a computer operating system, and being an ardent MR fan girl, I of course hear the question as " Do we carry any books on eunuchs?". Now I'm somewhat taken aback by this since no one to my knowldedge has ever asked at the shop for a book on "eunuchs" before.  So I blink owlishly a few times and answer truthfully that I didn't know of any historical works that we carried but that I was currently reading a really great work of fiction that had something to do with the subject. Now it's his turn to blink owlishly back at me and answer no, no not fiction or historical but something on "current applications" cause it was just so "cutting edge". At the combo of the words " current" and "cutting" I blurt out " do you mean they still do it??" which ends up with both of us exclaiming "I'm sorry, what?" at the same instance. Eventually we got it all sorted with the help of a more tech savvy co-worker. The guy left laughing but with a wary glance in my direction. I think he was worried that I was either slow-witted, weird, out and out insane or that I had somehow implied that he, himself was a eunuch. Either way he never did come back.

Since there is a truly wonderful discussion of The Persian Boy going on over at maryrenaultfics but my feelings about a certain "person"  ( eunuch) who is the primary character remain strong and unrepentant I thought I would muse a little on my favorite Macedonian general, pretty much just to make me feel good.

Ah,Hephaistion! Putting aside the obvious fangirl response to his often mentioned physical charms, what is about this character/person ( I guess I'm talking both fictionally and historically and will probably bob around between the two) that just got under my skin to such a degree? Looking at the character created by Renault in FFH he does have a his character flaws, though I hate to admit it, He can be proud and easy to anger. In the TPB he's close to being non-existent with only a few appearences in which, with one or two exceptions. he seems too serious and stern. So why this unbridled Hephaistion love? Surprisingly some of the best views of him are expressed "posthumously" in FG where one really gets to hear what he meant to Alexander, how he kept him sane and whole, so in essence, what he really meant to Alexander's empire and what a quiet power he exerted to keep it whole and working. The scene where Alexander's face contorts with grief when he sees Drypetis in her widow's veil still moves me every time I read it. So I guess that's the crux of it really, this deep, deep love and devotion that wasn't merely a  literary invention but a fact.

In Renault alone Hephaistion's love and loyalty astound me. It's easy to say you should go through "hell and high water" for the one you love but he actually did. From the onset of their relationship as children it becomes Hephaistions' role to be the "port in the storm" to continually worry and be there to offer whatever is needed whenever Alexander's inner demons raise their heads and howl, even if that means setting aside his own needs and desires.  They share everything, their food, their bodies, their dreans. They march together, sleep together, fight together, win and lose together, go into exile together. Hephaistion leaves his family and home to follow Alexander into an unknown future. And while still in Macedonia he was the buffer between Alexander and his daemon and Alexander his parents. And the parents! Many people have in-law problems but not many have to worry about their lovers father either exiling or seducing them or their mother poisoning  them or dropping a viper in their bed. But the love went on thru Troy ( we're out of Renault here) where there was a public avowal tantamount to a marriage in my opinion ( also a running around of Achilles and Patroclus' tombs naked which I'll just drop for now ,,oh gods!), Egypt and the Oracle, Tyre, Persopolis and much more that I'm leaving out. So when I return to Renault in TPB and I have to swallow the idea that this was all in jeopardy because of a dancing boy it doesn't sit well at all. I think Alexander and Hephaistion had one of the great "real" romances of history and it's always saddened me that it was downplayed to such an extent when it should have been celebrated.  And just too keep this from getting too maudlin did I mention he was hot???

  I went into the my local branch of the Boston Public Library in the hopes of picking up something, quick off the shelf to read.  I wasn't holding out much hope, the local branches generally get the dregs while the main branch gets the pick of the litter, when I saw the word "Alexander" on the spine of one of the "new fiction" selections. The title was "Alexander and Alestria" by Shan Sa. I grabbed it with joy barely able to contain my enthusiasm but then I read the synopsis: 
  "An epic fictional romance between Alexander the Great and an Amazon queen drives the latest from Shan Sa (Empress). As a boy, Sa's Alexander is abused by his father, King Philip of Macedonia. Alexander grows into a cruel and narcissistic youth with an unquenchable thirst for revenge. His political ambitions blossom under the tutelage of Aristotle, and after his father's assassination, Alexander sets off to conquer Greece, Persia and Egypt. When he meets Alestria, the young queen of the Amazons (a mythical tribe of nomadic, male-spurning female warriors from the eastern steppes), he has perhaps met his match in love and war. Told in the extravagant voices of Alexander and Alestria, and of Alestria's protector and confidante, Ania, there's little subtlety in this sweeping, heroic romance. But strewn amid the pageantry and clamor are fascinating details about Alexander's world and about the legendary Amazons, who, if they existed at all, might have been his contemporaries—and equals. "
  (Sigh)  I was so disappointed I couldn't even bring myself to check it out and give it the old "once over". Where is Hephaistion?  Maybe he's there somewhere but I just didn't have the heart to plow thru another "oh,  but they were such great friends, but Alexander's real love was...." reduction. At least in Pressfield's hands it had some validity and resonance and Judith Tarr's "Queen of the Amazons" certainly gave H his due but here, ...I don't know, if anyone has read or heard anything about it I would love to hear. I should just take it out and read it or at least skim thru it, but I'm so tired of being let down by Alexander fiction I think it will drive me round the bend! Really, what about Alexander and the certainty, the sheer "emotion" of his relationship with Hephaistion do people not get? Isn't it documented historically enough? In most ot the Alexander bios I've read, even among authors who are "uncomfortalbe" with the idea, his response to Hephaistion's death alone seems to leave little doubt of the place H held in Alexander life. But I'm biased I know and this is a work of fiction and the author is certainly free to do as she pleases, but, but, but.....
  On the upside the Red Sox are in a penant race starting tonight against the LA Angels. The game starts at 10:00 PM Eastern time (yikes). These West coast post-season series always do me in!

Sigh! Rats, another "not great but not bad" Alexander read! Fairly well written, but once again, next to no dialogue and what there is, is completely unilluminating as far as character is concerned. Have Mary Renault and Judith Tarr cornered the market on good, insightful and believable "published" Alexandrian dialogue? ( there's some great fanfiction out there, I know!)  Now here's a book pretty well written and researched but just nothing to sink your teeth into. At least nothing that would ever prompt the endless, heated discussions and debates that the MR trilogy inspires and that we all so love to participate in! It's written in 3rd person like FFH and FG so there's none of that pesky "single pov" nonsense and Alexander is right there in the middle of it, but if you didn't know how charismatic he's meant to be, you'd wouldn't get it from reading this. He comes across as many things here, petulant, stubborn, intelligent etc., but I guess just not unusual enough for me, not enough anyway to make me believe an army would follow him literally (almost) to the end of the world. Both Renaults' and Tarrs' Alexanders had that quality for me, but in entirely different ways from each other. Hephaistion is definitely his lover here, which is always to the good, and there's a nice scene where a teenage H seduces a teenage A in the baths and the rest is history so  to speak, but after that Hephaistion just kind of flits in and out of scenes at Alexander's side,and I honestly can't recall if he has another full line of dialogue till almost the end of the book.But I really shouldn't comment on it quite yet. I should give it another go and see if I'm judging too harshly. I think I have way too short a fuse where Alexander fiction is concerned. If anyone else has read it any other input would be much appreciated.

Being in between books at the moment I re-read portions of Pressfield's "Virtues of War" and thought I'd share some of my favorite  passages. Mind you I don't think this holds as well as Renault or Tarr, too many battles in minute detail and not enough character development and dialog, but I did enjoy it. So who do you think I think the best quotes revolve around? No, not Bagoas, don't get smart! ( actually if I recall correctly  there is nary a mention of the little darling in the entire book) For your "Hephaision" pleasure:
        Before the defeat of the Sacred Band, Alexander speaking :
        "Don't think so much Hephaistion. Tomorrow is what we were born for. In heaven it may be different, but here, no man may gain except by losing."
        "Indeed," Hephaistion concedes with gravity. "And will I lose your love?"
         So this is what troubles his tender heart! Now it is I who tremble. I take his hand. "That you can never lose, my friend. Here or in heaven."

       About Hephaistion in general:
       ".........but Hephaistion is worth the pack to me. Him awake, I can sleep. Him on  my flank, I need look neither right nor left. His worth exceeds warcraft.He has brought over a hundred cities without bloodshed, simply by the excellence of his forward envoyage. Tact and charity, which would be weaknesses in a lesser man, are with him so inate that they disarm even the haughtiest and most ill-disposed of enemy chieftains. It is his gift to represent to these princes the reality of their position in such a way that accommodation ( I resist the  word submission) appears not at his instance, but at theirs, and with such generosity that we wind up straining to contain its' excesses. Five score capitals have our forces entered, thanks to him, to find the populace lining the streets, hoarse with jubilation. He has saved the army deaths and casualties ten time its' number. Nor have his feats of individual valor been less spectacular. He carries nine great wounds, all in the front. He is taller and better looking than I, as good a speaker, with as keen an eye for country. Only one thing keeps him from being my equal. He lacks the element of the monstrous.
     For this I love him."

There's more I'll look up for another time, but really shouldn't all true Hephaistion fans rejoice to read these words? It's so nice when our boy gets his due.


          

I know that among the few visitors I have here there will be various head scratchings, sighs and words to the effect of " oh no, not another TPB rant! How old did she say she was? " . And I quite understand. Even I'm surprised by the amount of bile and general bitchiness I'm exhibiting here. But hey, like I said, I've waited a couple of decades for the right platform to have a good, soul cleansing gripe fest and I am half Sicilian and menopausal , which can explain away any amount of anti-social and potentially murderous proclivities ( just ask my husband, poor thing).

So, last time I bemoaned the totally, in my eyes, un-Alexander like behaviour in the post A/H famous "you're nothing without me" quarrel. It still rankles but I've said my piece so I'll move on to other episodes. Let's start with the death of Hephaistion. Now don't get me wrong, this one is a powerhouse moment, one of those "my god I need to put down the book and walk around the room" moments. But still....it's marred for me by having to deal with another weepy, emo "why doesn't he love me best?" Bagoas monologue. Did he really, really not get it? When Alexander is in the first shock at  seeing H's body and Bagoas stands there hoping that when Alexander's eyes fall on him it will anchor him (Alexander) somehow and A"s eyes pass right over him like he's not there, should he really have been that surprised? And when he sees the madness in Alexanders' look what does Bagoas do? He runs away! Out of far more complex emotions than fear, I realize, but still could you imagine Hephaistion running out on Alexander if the emotional tables were turned? Never! My gods, he went back into the desert to rescue Bagoas when he could easily have passed it off as just another casualty of war and had done with his "rival". And, yeah, Bagoas does come back of course and in front of Alexander "pretends" or at least plays into Alexanders' perception that he too is sincerely mourning Hephaistion!  When Alexander sends to the oracle at Siwah to petition for H's immortality, a gesture so poignant, by the way, it always leaves a tightness in my throat, Bagoas is predictably upset but as much by the thought that Alexander may have opened himself up to contempt from the Egyptian priests as to the idea that Alexander is a drowning man grasping at his own sanity and looking for a way to make life and the after- life bearable. It all seems to boil down again to Bagoas' misconception  that the love between A and H was merely a reflection of the Achilles/Patroclus epic. An entenstion of a myth that Alexander needed in his life to basically achieve what he set out to achieve and that he needed to remain loyal to despite his waning interest in the actual "person" of Hephaistion. Bagoas never saw or at least never admitted to seeing that it was a legitimate bonding between two souls and not just a pretty story. And once again, snarky to the end, at Hephaision's funeral pyre, when the group composed of those who actually liked Hephaistion for himself and aren't paying "lip service" go up to pay their respects, Bagoas has to comment " I was surprised at how many there actually were...!". You gotta love it.....or maybe not.

The North Pole is melting??? I guess it's official, I've even heard it may be completely iceless by the end of the season. This is bad, in a really, really bad, spooky way. We've been having bizarre weather here in Boston as well. Everyday is high humidity with a massive thunder/lightening storm in the middle of day with an almost apocalyptic-like darkness and torrential rain. Not our common fare at all, except maybe the humidity, but not this many days in succession. Unfortunately we've all been, for the most part, awful tenants and I think our landlady is about to toss us out on our collective ass...call me naive but I really didn't think ( or it was more like I was hoping) that it wouldn't get to this point in my lifetime. Not because I'm a completely selfish toad, I just thought the damage would take a little longer to manifest itself. No such luck I guess..

On to the more amusing topic of TPB, or as I like to think of it, That Darn Eunuch!. Recently I've been revisiting some of his catty one-liners that have always rankled, but there are a few Big, Important Momenst where I'm just lost  as to what MR was thinking. I know, I know Bagoas filters need to be worn at all times....but here goes....

After the quarrel with Eumeneus....what is up with this? If taken at face value, and I emphasize the "if", Alexander had a bit of a nasty shock when it didn't go all kissy, kissy when he tried to make up with Hephaistion, and spent the remainder of the night with Bagoas! I'm sorry how bogus is this?  There's poor Hephaistion, humiliated, in front of god knows how many of his fellow commanders  and soldiers, who know what they ( A and H) are to each other and were probably at Troy at the public avowal. And what does Alexander do? Does he go back to his room and think about how it could have been better handled. does he sit and worry that he may have just irreparably damaged the most important relationship in his life? No, he goes and snuggles up in bed  with someone else and has a nice shag! Where oh where is my Alexander from FFH? And then of course we have to listen to all this twaddle from Bagoas about "unspoken words and understandings"! Blah!! And then ...nothing more about it till A and H go riding together one day and make up and then Alexander's face is  "smoothed with joy". So what did his face look like before that? It can't have been happy. But do we get any indication of this? Not that I remember. It seems the shagging and whatnot continued uniterrupted. I just find this pretty unbelievable  given the emotional dependency that Alexander generally displays toward Hephaistion ( that's right...A towards H, not the other way round) . And once reconciled Bagoas just has to explain it away as Alexander not being able to live without his Achilles/Patroclus myth, not that it was simply an "actual" relationship and "actual" person Alexander couldn't live without.  My favorite line in the whole thing has to be  Bagoas' rather high-handed admission that "he had done nothing" to stand in the way  of the reconciliation. Well isn't that nice????

The time has come once again when the necessity of sifting thru books and giving/donating them away has reared it's ugly head.  How do I know this? Because the room on the 2nd floor where we keep them is in danger of coming down onto  the 1st floor and annihilating my kitchen. And I like my kitchen. We ( the husband and I) have tried this before without much success. I think last time we gave away a whalloping one whole box  composed mostly of college texts about uninteresting subjects and outdated French phrase books that contained such helpful little nuggets as " have you seen my hankerchief, please?".

This time though we are  going to buckle down and  make some significant headway. Yeah,,,right! First books I pull out? My first copies of "The Lord of the Rings! Now I am more likely to donate my liver than give these away willingly.  They're just three yellowed, brittle paperbacks but  what memories! You young people ( I can say that now I'm 50 ) have no idea what it was like to be a Tolkien fan back in the day. We didn't have the glam factor of the films. Other than the books all we had was a truly awful animated film by Ralph Bakshi( never, never see this if you can avoid it. I mean it. You'll want to put your own eyes out after about 2 minutes ) and some  questionable art work that came out on yearly wall calendars that made Galadrial look like a spaced-out hippie chick and all the hobbits look like garden gnomes. There was not an iota of "cool"  involved here. If you had a map of Middle Earth on your bedroom wall and knew the names (first and last) of three or more hobbits you were pretty firmly in the dork camp, and this was slightly before David Byrne and Devo showed us all that dorkiness could be really cool. Yeah, there was the Led Zeppelin connection and that could give you some validity but for the most part to read Tolkien was a labor of utter love that would expand the world inside your head but put a serious kabosh on your actual social life, except of course with your fellow nerds. Was it worth it? Hell yeah! So I could get rid of these old editions and buy some spiffy new ones, but I think I'll just hold onto these for a while longer....

Well, this is not going well. Maybe I'll give up for now and just go cook something instead..while I still have a kitchen.

So it's a Booker Prize winning novel, the author is Irish and it deals with a large dysfunctional ( thru generations ) Irish family seen primarily thru the eyes of one sibling as she journeys to England to take the body of her suicidal brother back home. It's called " The Gathering" and I heard such great things about it I actually bought it with a Borders gift card that I had. Well...let me say right off there is some gorgeous writing here..sentences of such beauty I would give my eyeteeth  ( whichever those are) to be able to write myself. But that said, the novel itself was one rambling, incoherent, stream of consciousness mess. I actually got 2/3rds thru it and I won't be finishing it, which for me is pretty damning. Yes,
the writing could be as lyrical as poetry but after one grueling description of how the protagonists grandmother met the man who would seal her and her family's fate, which took an entire chapter without a speck of dialogue in it, I felt I was in some Proustian nightmare I couldn't wake up from. Another book I just finished " The Monsters of Templeton" had equally good and poetic writing but didn't sacrifice narrative flow and character to it. I should have got this one out of the Library and bought "Monsters of Templeton"!

I also just finished another Alexander novel, " The Virtues of War" by Stephen Pressfield. I had been avoiding this one for a while, mainly because I had attempted the authors' "Gates of Fire" which I also couldn't finish and assumed this would be more of the same.  "Gates of Fire", great descriptions of battles if that's your primary thing ( it's not mine), but little else. Characters are "meh" at best and absolutely no evocation of Ancient Greece at all. I actually wondered if Pressfield had read anything about Greece except battle formations, gear, etc. Read this  and the reason we all lay garlands on the shrine of Mary Renault becomes painfully clear.  Also in Pressfields view of the Ancient World everyone is pretty much heterosexual in the most modern interpretation of the word. How is this possible? Anyway "Virtues of War" is actually narrated by Alexander himself, apparantly via dictating his memoirs to his page who is Roxanne's cousin or brother or something, and well, it wasn't bad. The battle scenes once again are great, Alexander himself comes across a little one dimensional but with enough complexity to him so you're not sitting there wondering why an entire army would follow this man across the road never mind to the ends of the earth. But the big surprise was the handling of Hephaistion.  No, no, no don't get too excited, Pressfield is at pains to state that Alexander and Hephaistion were not "that way" as it were, ( almost closed the book at this point, even a hint of homophobia usually has me running for the hills).  But that said it becomes pretty apparant that Hephiastion is the great love of Alexander's life whether they were physical lovers or not. Alexander even describes H as being the most "handsome person" note, not man, that he had ever seen in his life and in the epilog Alexander's death is attributed to losing Hephaistion as much as anything else that happened to him. Hephaistion is also allowed his own personality and opinions here which, especially after the Stone film, is alwasys refreshing. Really, really not a bad read at all. Oh and not a hint of Bagoas anywhere, unless I just blocked him out,

Speaking of which....here's 2 or 3 annoying Bagoas  moments where what he's saying to or about Hephaistion has a little bit of a subtext to it.

 After the murder of Cleitus, Hephaistion takes Bagoas aside and pretty much tells him to shut his mouth about the Great King being above the law and all, since this is not the Macedonian way and really isn't  Alexander's either. H even owns that "he ( Alexander) might listen to you (Bagoas)" which makes me want to run screaming from the room, but let's just move on. Bagoas describes H as putting his hands in his belt and "looking down at me from his great height".  Does anyone else read this as " Hephaistion is a big clumsy oaf who doesn't know where to put his hands and I'm just so small and precious" or is just me?  His "great height"? I think he' s described as being a head taller than Alexander, this hardly make him sideshow material and he proabably only put his hands in his belt to stop from beating the crap out of the little so and so.

After the Mallian wound where Bagoas attempts to convince himself that Alexander just about kills himself to prove to the army (not Hephaistion...yeah right ) that he's still alive,  A is resting in his tent after Hephaistion leaves. Bagoas comes in and wonders why the dressing on his wound is in disarray, Alexander says "Hephaistion wanted to see it." Does anyone else read this as "Hephaistion is a big clumsy oaf who doesn't know what's good for Alexander but I do?" Do  we really think that Hephaistion, being a soldier never mind A's lover, would ask him to uncover so serious a wound and then leave the room because he had something else to do with the bandages hanging half off of it? Oh please.....

As Hephaistion lays dead in his room, and this one really bugs me, Bagoas describes him as " he lay on his bed, his face turned up, his  mouth fallen open". Does anyone else read this as " even dead Hephaision is a big clumsy oaf and I would look so much better and have the decency to close my mouth, aren't I just small and precious?" No further comment is, I think, needed...

I just finished one of the best ( non-Alexander related) books I've read in a long while. It's called "The Monsters of Templeton" by Lauren Groff. It's a basically a story about one characters connections to a town, a history and a family and it is just beautifully written.  In turns it's poetic, philosophic, funny. poignant and horrorific, with characters who are quirky but still "believable" and situations that remind me of the seamless mixing of fantasy and reality of Garcia Marquez.  As an added bonus it takes place in a "mythical" version of Cooperstown NY, so you get the  whole "baseball thing" plus it has a lake monster a la Nessie ( or I guess it would be Chessie here in the States)! It sounds trite I know but I really didn't want this one to end!


 Now back to Bagoas, bless his self-absorbed little heart. So he has decided out of the largess of his soul not to murder Hephaistion after the "letter reading " episode. Actually to give him his due he does try to see the other side of things " well, he (Hephaistion) might have asked that his beloved should not become a lover, or have from a dark-eyed Persian boy what he'd never been thought to need." Kudos to you kid, kudos for trying to see the larger picture here, but we then immediatly get hit with the line about how he (Bagoas) can guess whose desire had faded first and then "lying alone in those nights at Zadrakarta, Hephaistion could not have slept at ease." Help me out here people, what, really do you think is going on? Was this the final hooray for  Alexander and Hephaistion's physical relationship? It always sounded it to me, even though I try to deny it. For one thing it seems as if from this point on Bagoas is perpetually in Alexander's rooms, so basically Hephaistion would have to trip over him to get to the bed at any given time. And is it just me or do you feel our beloved MR was sending out a few mixed signals here? SInce it is narrated from Bagoas' pov did she mean to leave it somewhat ambiguos and open to interpretation or is she just a big Bagoas fan girl herself? Is Hephaistion the greatly loved "significant other" whose place is unassailable but who has been replaced in many respects by someone younger and more sexually "versed'? Did Alexander discuss this with Hephaistion? Is there a whole lot of "afternoon delight" going on at Zadrakarta that Bagoas knows nothing about? Inferences, inferences...damn all inferences! 

Heard from my doctor today. My blood tests and cultures all came back negative, so we're back to leaning towards the "it's a pesky virus that just won't go away" theory. Which, though far better than some esophagal or thyroid horror which was the initial thinking and would have involved the kind of medication you have to stay on for the rest of your life, it's still bugging him that it's hanging on, so off we'll be going to a specialist, a "deep throat" specialist ( his words, not mine and no I don't think he realized what he was saying but my co-workers got a great look at me snorting iced coffee thru my nose when he said it). 

Still feel like crap though and getting tired of it. The fact that's it's been 90 degrees or above here after being 50 degrees or below is not  helping, neither, of course are the hot flashes which are no respecters of external temperature at all and come and go under their  own arcane sense of whatever. Oh well!

Mmm...feel another TPB tirade coming on. Now this could be a good thing to come out of a bad. I'll muse on it while I'm sweating, flashing, gagging, coughing or, just for complete laughs, getting the chills in the middle of it all. My body's a wonderland!! Oh yeah!

So now we go on to Bagoas' actual description of Hephaistion, (quoting from memory here again so cut me some slack....), " I suppose he was the better looking of the two, with features regular to perfection and skin like darkened ivory", or something pretty close to that, anyway let's back up and think about this. " The better looking of the two"? All thru FFH you read rhapsodic descriptions of Alexander's beauty and Hephaistion is actually  better looking??? Throw in the fact that he was impressively tall, carried himself well ( even Bagoas admits he executes the proskynesis later in the book with grace) and was probably in tip top physical conditon having been on campaign for so many years, and well..yeah, this guy was hot. Not attractive with a nice personality but Tex Avery wolf whistle, steam out the ears, oh mama call the fire department hot!! I have to thank Bagoas for this description, even though it's grudging and doesn't go into a quarter as much detail as I would like, reading it now I realize the physical side of things for Alexander and Hephaistion probably didn't end with the " coming of the eunuch" ( and no that's not a double entendre) cause Alexander defininetly had an eye for beauty and liked to rumpy pumpy with people he knew, loved and trusted, and well, there was Hephaistion, all that and more, wrapped into one drool inducing package.

I'm sorry, where was I??? Oh, yeah, the next line of the description " his hair was shining a/o darkened bronze, though coarser than mine." You know sometimes I think MR created this character just to annoy me and people like me. I suppose I could just sum it up in one word, "meow", and move on but where's the fun in that?  I mean he's a pleasure slave in the palace of the great king of asia, I bet the day was just  chock full of moisturizing and conditioning. After all his face was, if not his fortune,  certainly his fate. And no, I'm not saying it was an enviable life, far, far from it but really... the man he's comparing himself to has been in battles since he was 16 !  Though I suppose, if that's the most negative physical attribute he could come up with my above assessment of Hephaistion hotness is further vindicated.

Next on the agenda:  "how Bagoas condidered offing his "rival" but thought better of it and "allowed" him to live" or as I like to think of it ..."oh sweetie, please!".

I went to the doctors' today and that little cold and sore throat I've had for about a month now and been trying to ignore turns out to be a rather wicked little virus which may include an "esophagal infection". Oh good! I'm sure the 13 hour work day I put in yesterday helped no end in the healing process. But  I await blood and throat tests and in the meantime have nice medicine with codeine in it and the weekend off. I'm older apparantly but where's the wiser part? The "better half " is quite upset with me.

It's presently 55 degrees in Boston and raining. Tomorrow and Sunday they're predicting 90 degrees and sunny. You figure it out, I sure can't.

When typing my last TPB entry my husband walked into the room and asked what I was writing and why was I grinning so maniacally while doing it. When I told him it was a MR/TPB vent the response was a predictable "Oh god, not that again!!". He's not to be blamed really, he's been listening to it on and off for 22 years now. He fully understands the nature of obsessions, he has quite a few of his own that he feels pretty passionate about, he just doesn't get why I take this book so "personally". He's not a big  reader of fiction in the first place. The novels he's read are few and far between ( he just finished a breezy summer read on the great WW1 influenza epidemic and a bio of Tom Waits) and I've pretty much made sure that the Alexander trilogy will not be included in his "few".  In a last ditch effort to make him understand I blurt out something to the effect of " well how do you think I would feel if after all we've been thru you took up with a 16 year old eunuch?", to which of course there is no reply and he wisely leaves ( backs out of ) the room.

So one of the 1st Bagoas moments that really didn't sit well with me...now this is from memory cause I'm too sick and "blah" to get up and get the book never mind leaf thru it...would have to be after he and Alexander have "consummated" their relationship ( I really hate reliving this part)  Alexander is reading some letters in public and Hephaision stands behind and reads them over his shoulder. This produces murmurs from the others present, who are no doubt just jealous that Hephaiston isn't leaning on their shoulder, so Alexander places his royal ring or seal on Hephaision's lips,  they  smile at each and go back to reading. It also produces a big, teary, emo, over the top, purple prose crying jag from Bagoas, who sees it as  Hephaistion seeking re-assurance about his place in Alexander's life because of him! and Alexander giving it to  in front of everyone. I don't know what bothers me more,  the hysterics or the fact that Bagoas really thinks he's just the center of it all at this point. Slap,slap slap ...and one more for good measure.

Codeine kicking in, I think it's time to check the Red Sox score and get some sleep.

Okay I'm in a fairly foul mood today. I have yet another cold and sore throat ( I feel like I swallowed a pigeon, feathers, beak and claws all intact) and I have a house that is in desperate need of cleaning. And just to prove I'm not being a wuss about this we are talking a 3 story brick townhouse, 4 if you include the basement, and, yeah, oh my aching everything! So I thought I would begin my long simmering TPB rant since it would be just what my poor little head needs right now before I begin the "chores" ( glares ominously at vaccum cleaner).

First off, apologies to anyone who is a Bagoas fan, the gracious TrueRiver comes immediatly to mind, I mean no offense, and my opinion  of Bagoas did change somewhat as the book progressed ( and thru several re-readings) and I did feel differently about him after my reading of Funeral Games.

With that said here  goes:
 My initial response on starting the book was, well, I can't say because it's very rude and unladylike, but is pretty much summed up by the letters "WTF!!!". I had been waiting impatiently for the sequel to FFH, I had been reading oodles of Alexander biographies, I  knew what was supposed to come next, Egypt, the Gordian knot and before them all, oh my gods, the ceremony at Troy!! I crack open the book with the kind of ardor that only a zeolot can summon up and what do I find? No Troy, no Egypt, no Alexander actually. I put the book down and walk away from it, hoping it will change by the time I get back. Nope. I  turn it upside down, sideways, I think I actually shake it to try to get it "working" but to no avail. I'm stuck with this story about this poor kid in Persia, so I soldier on, and yes, it is an awful tale he tells and if I wasn't so confused and annoyed by the lack of anybody from the previous book, I would have felt quite badly about it all. But then I realize where this is going, the role this "poor kid" is going to play  and that his is the only pov I'm going to get thru the entire latter half of Alexander's life and  I think Mary Renault must have heard my head exploding all the way from Boston at that moment.

So then I think to myself " No way! Hephaistion is Alexander's  Patroclus he's not going to risk it all for this!". Wrong again!  I so disliked Alexander at this point ! ( Now let's keep in mind we're in Renualt -verse here and this has nothing to so with what I think actually went on or how relationships were viewed then  as opposed to now, etc, etc. We are in the world MR set up for us.)  And so it begins. Right after one of the most moving and quietly erotic scenes in the book, where  Hephaistion walks in unannounced and begins stroking Alexander's hair from behind, we go  to Hephaistion hesitant to enter Alexander's room after escorting the slightly tipsy king back because he knows Bagoas might be there. Good gods! Here's a man who has shared literally everything with Alexander since childhood, school, sex, dreams, nightmares, exile, the whack job Macedonian family dynamics, battles, wounds, everything and he feels he has to hesitate? My heart bled for Hephaistion here  and it still does. And do we know what was said between the two of them regarding this little "development" ? No we do not and can only ever surmise they did speak of it because they pretty much spoke about everything up to that point but thus begins the endless having to "read between the lines" that just characterizes this book for me.

The first lines that really made me dislike Bagoas? Where he starts making all these haughty assumptions about A and H's sex life, implying there was still love there but the desire had faded and he could guess who it had faded in first ( Alexander), and that their sexual roles had remained static with Alexander continuing as Hephaistion's "boy" and never taking the dominant role but with him he ( Alexander) "would be a man"! ( and just for the record don't you think Alexander would have loved to hear that little remark!) And then the line of all lines " we'll see who wins tall Macedonian!", which I realize is actually somewhat laughable but boy does it piss me off!

Enough for now, must go clean and think about the next installment. Damn that  felt good!

Just  finished reading Melissa Scott's "Choice of Destinies" an au fiction about AtG and what would have happened if he had turned his attentions to Rome instead of India. I started this with great trepidation, I mean Alexander's actual life and accomplishments are so amazing why do we need to go into the "what if " universe? But I was really pleasantly surprised. The characters are well written, the battle scenes are amazing, and the whole thing so well done that the premise doesn't seem that far-fetced at all. And her Hephaiston...well here is the Hephaistion I'm always looking for, smart . capable, respected, loving and loved by Alexander. I adore Mary Renault but there's a little bit of me that will never quite forgive her for what she did in The Persian Boy.  I've heard it said that it's the best book of her Alexander trilogy because of the single pov cause that's what she does best. This well may be but we're talking about Alexander here. There is no one pov that could encompass, including his  own and Hephaistion's, a life lived this large. It's bad enough we miss out on some of the seminal Alexander moments that take place between Fire From Heaven and The Persian Boy, like Tyre, Egypt, the Gordian Knot and my personal favorite Troy, while we hear about Bagoas' early life, then we have  all the best characters from FFH as virtual "walk-ons" in TPB and have to "read between the lines" ad nauseum to try figure out what was really going in Alexander's head, in his relationship with Hephaistion, etc. Yeesh!

Anyway back to CofD. Another point I liked in both  this work and the Alexander novels by Judith Tarr is that  Alexander seemed to have a sense of humour, a bit of a bounce in his step, was a  drama queen for sure but not all emo and angsty all the time. There's one scene in CofD where Alexander curses out his army with a string of expletive deleteds that has Hephaistion in awe of it's longevity and originality and at one point  comments to Alexander " I doubt that's anatomically possible", and they both start to laugh!  Great "human" little insight there,

I am now officially post-menopausal, but let me make this clear, there is no such thing. One is either pre-menopausal or menopausal, if you are post-menopausal you have probably shuffled off the mortal coil and don't give a damn anymore anyway. Yes, your period may be gone but the symptoms can go on and on and on.....!  I've been told that in about a year after the official "cut off " date your  body re-adapts and comes to some sort of truce with itself, but I have my doubts.

My first hot flash. As a person who has spent most of her life being cold I was erroneously thinking " being warm for a change, how bad can that be?"!  I am an idiot! My 1st major flash happened when walking home from work, down one of Boston's most  chi-chi retail streets, on a day that, was literally, 20 degrees.  I started by feeling suddenly a wee bit warm, which I thought odd considering it was so cold out I think my contact lenses froze, and then it hit. We're not talking just "warm" here, this was a ball of molten lava  running down my spine. I thought I would follow in the footseps of Spinal Tap's drummer and spontaneously combust. So I started doing what amounted to a striptease down the length of the street, till there I was on a record breaking cold day, sweating like I was in the tropics and wearing nothing but a thin blouse and a skirt. And then it stops! And there you are, covered with sweat,  scantily clad and freezing your butt off, ( not to mention the "interesting " looks you're getting from passersby ).

So get used to carrying around your own rather revolting little climate with you. Forget about looking at what the actual temperature is outside, it does not apply to you! Dress in layers so you can peel them off at any given moment.  I have a little electric fan attached to the shelf above my desk at work and all day it goes on, then off,  then on and off about 20 times a day. Around the 10th time my boss usually gives me a look, but one of the few benes of meno is that it can make people, especially men, a little bit afraid of you, so I just give him a little half growl out of the corner of my mouth and he turns away pretty quickly. My husband, poor thing, has the patience of Job, and stoically puts up with me dressing, undressing, opening/closing windows, turning fans off and on, usually while we're trying to watch a movie or something we both really wanted to see on television.

Oh and I forgot to mention the time in the supermarket it was so bad I was walking around with a bag of frozen peas on the back of my neck ( and yes I did buy them ) Next on the agenda...weight gain, night sweats and mood swings. Whoohoo!